My Mindset is Slowly Slipping/I Am Not Special

For about a full year now, since… oh, January 2015, I’ve had had two girlfriends. And when something didn’t work out with the second, I found another girl that very same day, and since then she has been my second girlfriend.

It’s given me a quiet sense of confidence for a long time now, but ever since Julia said she doesn’t want to be a #3 I’ve found my confidence wavering a little bit.

Yes, I am lucky that two attractive women know about each other choose to stay with me and still let me approach other women (although not without some consternation!).

So why am I so lazy and choose NOT to approach other women nowadays? Every time I see a nice chick, my brain STILL thinks of excuses to not approach her.

I think to myself “oh, F and L wouldn’t like this, and I’m pushing things as it is with them.”

I think to myself “she’s not that hot really”

And if she is hot, I think to myself “her attitude probably sucks compared to L’s”

Having attained some measure of success, I find myself becoming, gradually more afraid of being rejected. Yes, that is what happened with Julia. And my mindset is already wavering, in a vague, fundamental way.

The truth is I have two girlfriends because I am lucky. It is not because of any incredible merit.  Subconsciously I know this, that I will still get rejected a lot. So I try not to try anymore with other girls to preserve, to hang on to what’s left of my illusion that I am someone so special, someone so attractive that two women choose to be with him.

I am not so special, or so attractive – my girlfriends are with me because they somehow chose to, and I was lucky to have met them. You can see this because many girls will still reject me.

And now, once again, I have nothing to lose.

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