My Mindset is Slowly Slipping/I Am Not Special

For about a full year now, since… oh, January 2015, I’ve had had two girlfriends. And when something didn’t work out with the second, I found another girl that very same day, and since then she has been my second girlfriend.

It’s given me a quiet sense of confidence for a long time now, but ever since Julia said she doesn’t want to be a #3 I’ve found my confidence wavering a little bit.

Yes, I am lucky that two attractive women know about each other choose to stay with me and still let me approach other women (although not without some consternation!).

So why am I so lazy and choose NOT to approach other women nowadays? Every time I see a nice chick, my brain STILL thinks of excuses to not approach her.

I think to myself “oh, F and L wouldn’t like this, and I’m pushing things as it is with them.”

I think to myself “she’s not that hot really”

And if she is hot, I think to myself “her attitude probably sucks compared to L’s”

Having attained some measure of success, I find myself becoming, gradually more afraid of being rejected. Yes, that is what happened with Julia. And my mindset is already wavering, in a vague, fundamental way.

The truth is I have two girlfriends because I am lucky. It is not because of any incredible merit.  Subconsciously I know this, that I will still get rejected a lot. So I try not to try anymore with other girls to preserve, to hang on to what’s left of my illusion that I am someone so special, someone so attractive that two women choose to be with him.

I am not so special, or so attractive – my girlfriends are with me because they somehow chose to, and I was lucky to have met them. You can see this because many girls will still reject me.

And now, once again, I have nothing to lose.

So apparently the first Austin Powers movie

… had the subtitle ‘International Man of Mystery’, which dilutes my eagerness to use the same moniker.

But I swear I came up with it before I had even heard of Austin Powers. In fact, that was how I saw James Bond. A mysterious, worldly man who had the skills and the knowhow to get through anything.

Anyway, this blog will be about my several endeavours at becoming an international man of mystery.

  • First is becoming the ’10’ for women. To have everything, the looks, the charm, the grace, the power, the wealth, the wisdom, and the mystery.
  • Then wealth, which enables freedom. Not much to be said here, except that they say that getting wealthy is much harder than getting women.

That’s all. Just two endeavours. They should be enough to keep me busy for a while.

Getting a handle on Value For Money

After reading this post on TR forums I figured out a great way to calculate how value for money some of my possessions are. Cost is not a true indicator of value.

So after fiddling a bit with Excel, I came up with this:
excelexpenses

What totally confirms my theory is that stuff which I always felt was really worth it, really was worth it (got good numbers on the cost/day). And stuff that I felt ‘meh’ about really did score ‘meh’. I fuzzed the ‘days’ part a bit on some things, because I owned some things for a long time but didn’t use them every day.

For example, I always did feel that the Seiko watch and the 1TB external hard drive was worth it. And the Samsung F2380 monitor, which I used all the time. The only exceptions are the Macbook Air (which I use all the time, but still scores badly because it was so expensive) and the PowerMac G5 (which scores badly because I used it only for a few months, but I really enjoyed my time with it). The Radeon HD 6870 should have a better score really because I mined quite a few altcoins with it. Oh well, cost/day is not the perfect metric.

Going on to non-technology related possessions, army surplus was always going to be a good deal, the exception being the ILBE because I had it shipped from the US, and I had to pay customs. Why so much trouble for it? Because it was a good pack – I put my entire load in it and walked all around Potsdam yesterday with it. Besides being bigger than the ALICE pack, it’s also easier to get things in and out of it (because there’s a side pocket and no big flap to deal with, and I can open the lid while wearing the pack), easier to don and doff, and less uncomfortable after a long walk.

This Excel table really helped put things into perspective. For instance, all my things cost me at most an EUR per day, but food and lodging are 10x that at least. So the reality is, although possessions seem expensive, what’s really expensive in the long run is living (because we all want to live).

With my new found job I was thinking of buying new things, but now that I’ve seen this I’m going to keep my PC and HTC One S for a while longer just to extract maximum value out of them.

So now that we’ve seen all this, what is an expensive possession? It looks like an expensive possession is something that costs more than 1EUR/day, assuming you keep it for a reasonable amount of time.

Current Philosophy of Female Attraction (6 April 2013)

The following philosophy is the culmination of around 2-3 years of observing and thinking. The previous years of my life I had had hints, of course, but I never took them as the lessons they were.

Beauty is to women as success is to men. Success, however, is harder to quantify. Therefore women look for above all else indicators of success. If a tree falls in the jungle, and no one is there to hear it, can it be said that the tree has fallen? In the case of women and attraction, the answer is a definite no. Such is the importance of indicators of success.

Example: When I was in primary school, I once performed piano in the assembly. Wow I got popular fast with the girls. A girl told me she loved me. I said “ok”. I had no idea what that meant. When I transferred  to a different primary school, however, I was back at square one.

Young girls are easily impressed with good clothes. As they grow older, they begin to look at personality and confidence. A lot of times they confuse arrogance/douchbaggery with confidence. Eventually, it seems they settle on confidence as a good yardstick. And indeed it is a good indicator of success, for to be genuinely confident, one must be successful.

But since women look for indicators of success rather than success itself, you can find many men who may be successful, but can’t seem to get anywhere with women. To be attractive to women is to display that you are successful. That is why, to the chagrin of women everywhere, pickup artistry works. A hot body is one way to do it, and so are good clothes. Good manners suggest upperclass upbringing. Fame definitely helps, because fame is good friends with success. On the other hand, if you’re Caucasian, you can be a total loser in your home country but pull chicks in poor countries. It depends more on what she perceives than what actually is. This is why women pay so much attention to their outer appearance: they learned this at a young age – what matters is not whether you are beautiful, what matters is whether others see you as beautiful.

Because what generally attracts men is blindingly obvious, women mature faster as they learn the ways of the world – what matters, what is and what isn’t. Exactly how important appearances are. To transition from outer appearances (clothes) to behaviour to read a male’s worth and position in the world (social skills). All this is driven by their desire for us.

Once you have attraction, then you can talk about love.

Thought 1

To desire only a specific woman from the very beginning is to be needy; yet once she is in love with you, she appreciates this very much. Hence do humans silently acknowledge that for the most part, we are all easily replaceable.

Striving for Simplicity

I think I must credit my Macbook Air for making me re-appreciate simplicity. It wasn’t so much the machine itself, rather it was the fact that my home directory was completely empty, and I didn’t want to use up the SSD’s write cycles so I thought twice every time I copied something over to it. So now, I’ve only used 52GBs of the 112GBs available.

And I found that I was much more productive. Before downloading anything I thought twice. No untagged music downloads to distract me. No unwatched videos, no new shit I have to try out. No virtual machines to update, maintain, or remember what it was for (on that note, I’m switching from Linux to FreeBSD). Just a pure computing environment. All of a sudden I got more work done on my Air than I did on my main computer in months. Sometimes I actually try to use my Air instead of my main computer, knowing that I won’t be distracted.

Then I started to see simplicity elsewhere, in OS X, in the design of the Air, in the way things just worked, and I desperately wanted to recreate this feeling of easy simplicity everywhere else in my life. No more thinking “in Arch Linux it was like this… or was that Debian, or Gentoo?”, or “which VM should I boot to fulfill this purpose?”.

Once upon a time the web was simple. There was HTML+CSS. Then there was Javascript. Then people started to use PHP and other shit combined with databases to write HTML on the fly. Then nowadays, apparently there are frameworks that write Javascript for you. What the fuck? Web development has become way too complex for its own good these days.

This must be what digital photographers must’ve felt like when they started to shoot with film. You think more carefully, and make less, need less, and in the end your life is improved because of it.

Design is related to simplicity. In fact, it’s the child of simplicity. And the thing about the world is, there isn’t enough simplicity in it. Many cars are dead ugly… the Nissan GT-R especially. Lamborghini and Ferrari make good looking cars, with their simple, meaningful lines and instantly recognizable shapes. In life, properly designed products command a price premium. I once saw a really cool nail clipper – unfortunately it probably sacrifices durability for design. Still, I did contemplate buying it!

In computing: they speak of the joy of programming. Why, then, do I feel so bewildered when I’m trying to code some program for Windows or with Qt? That was not enjoyable at all. The joy is only to be found when I’m peeking and poking at a very low level of a system. Coding in assembly brings me joy – not that I do it often enough, because my needs don’t extend beyond file management automation. Integrated Development Environments scare me, and really who has the time to learn what they really do behind the scenes when all you want to do is get your program up and running? In all of computing, only Apple and the guys who designed Unix really get it. Why are the accessories so expensive? Because when you look at the Mac, you see: oh, it looks so beautiful, if only this thing that I have connected to it were to be as well designed! And so you spend extra so that your well designed world grows a little larger than just the Mac. An iPhone, perhaps. Or maybe those Bose speakers. Apple didn’t start out on design, however. It was only with the Macintosh that Jobs actually seemed to make the focus “designed computing”.

I think I’ve found what’s important in this world.

I forgot how to make new friends

Somewhere along the line, making new friends has become somewhat hard for me. I’m not talking about people you meet and say hi to; I mean the sort of guys you’d hang out with and do everything together, and tell stories about your adventures after the fact.

I wonder if it’s because making friends is harder the older you get; or if I have changed for the worse. And I’m quickly getting tired of thinking about it all.

There’s this guy, for instance. Unsure of himself, he talks softly, making it a pain in the ass to listen to him (yet I must for he has the answers to schoolwork), pauses, so you think he’s done, and so you turn your ears back towards whatever they were doing before so they don’t have to overheat trying to decipher his whispers. But then he starts talking again. Sometimes he finishes off with the clause “anyway it’s not important” which really pisses me off because of all my effort spent.

I wish he wasn’t as nice as he is so I I could ignore him and blame it on his assholery, but I can’t.

I’m pretty sure this reflects badly on my current ability to make new friends.

Then there’s the female that really pisses me off: the type that ignore you after you express your interest in them. It’s as if you’ve insulted them by asking them out or something. Or as if they’re saying “you can’t control yourself if I even so much as deign to toss a word in your direction, so here’s a brick wall!”

More examples of annoying people to come…

The Economics of Shooting Film vs. Digital


In August I bought a used Nikon F5 for 180EURs. Yes, it’s a damn steal 😀
Since then I estimate I’ve spent around 150EURs just to print and develop the negatives.
I estimate I’ve spent at least 40EURs on film, BTW never buy B&W film at the photo shops here in Oldenburg. When you can buy Ilford Delta 3200 for 5EURs online, you look at the 10EUR price tag photodose charges and you scoff.
Then I bought the cheapest lens Nikon offers, the AF 50mm 1.8D, a circular polarizer and a UV filter for it. All in all, 180EURs.
Recently I’ve been noticing some scratches on some negatives. Since the photos of my ex mean a lot to me, I had to shell out around 30EURs for 100 sheets of nice little polypropylene sleeves for the negatives. Taking proper archival care of these negatives will be a real pain in the future I imagine. And I bought some Rollei Nightbird and more Ilford B&W. All in all 50EURs.
So I spent 600EURs so far on film. What if I had gone digital?

First, I would’ve wanted the D7000 because it has a 100% viewfinder and most importantly works with screw type AF lenses. That would already be 1000EURs. And then I would realize that my 50mm is now a short telephoto at 85mm because of DX, so I now have to buy yet another lens, a 35mm DX, which is quite expensive, say 300. Archival costs are negligible, even including burning multiple discs with parity data. So 1300EURs.

So far, film is looking like a pretty good deal, although it has many running costs and storage/archival is bulky. No one component of film photography is much more expensive than the other, which means on all components there is not much room for improvement in cost effectiveness. As time goes by the initial investment on the F5 and 50mm lens will look even smaller in comparison with everything else. The question is when? I estimate around 1.5 more years before I will have spent 1300EURs on film photography. And then? in 1.5 years, the D7000 will be replaced by something with the same price, and the 35mm DX lens won’t be any cheaper. It’ll be just as hard to justify switching to digital.

So I think I’ll just keep shooting film.

Reading women targeted sites, aka allyouneedtoknowforrelationshipsdotcom

Yes, I’ve recently been reading sites made by women for women! Nope, doesn’t make me gay. In fact, it makes me happy to be a guy, because I know I’m definitely not into the kind of stuff they write incessantly about over there!

Guys, reading sites targeted at women is really eye opening. Of course you’ll see pink with all the inane drivel about what floss the celebs are using at the moment, but there’s some good stuff hidden in between. You now know what a “cute” guy looks like, and what a “hot” guy looks like. What a good date idea is. You have a rough feeling for what they look for in guys. You learn what turns them on and what doesn’t.

For example, an article about up-and-coming actors has the word “sexy” written all over it, and an article about actors who used to be successful but now aren’t is entitled “Crushes Presently Unworthy Of Our Love”. I hope they were being a bit over the top there because this is uncomfortably materialistic, don’t you think? If they were being straight, I really respect Ava Gardner for sticking next to Sinatra when his career had “that little hiccup”.

And now and then they drop really useful hints that come after the phrase: “Guys, if you’re reading this…”. I’m reading privileged information here, stuff normally unavailable to the unwashed masses, because they’re too proud of their masculinity to stoop to reading sites targeted at women! 😀

But now and then I come across disturbing articles that reflect how immature the authors/commenters are. You struggle to convince yourself this doesn’t represent the majority of the human population. These are articles which, when you read them, give you the feeling that females are bitches. Then you get jaded, because after reading so many articles about “flings” and “one night stands” you get the idea that not even girls believe in “love”. Oh I’m sorry I meant love without quotes.

For example, in an article about dating younger men, it soon became obvious that the author wasn’t really attracted to younger men per se, it’s just that she got her ego stroked by being able to see a male fall head over heels in love with her so easily (because of his naivety). A more honest, unabashed example of such trampiness would be impossible to find anywhere else. Of course, she turns herself into the “good girl” at the end by, uh, ceasing to toy with him.

Then there was the article about men desiring younger women, which had the audacity to demand that older men should focus their desires purely on older women, and leave younger women to younger guys, because younger women don’t find older men attractive anyway and find it mostly creepy that they would like younger women. And it was written by a guy. Seriously? Then come the wave of female commenters, who speculate that older men go for younger women because they get an ego boost out of younger girls looking up to them just because they’re older. No, I’m sorry old hag, but the fact is younger girls are just more sexy. You can cling to your rationalization if it makes you feel better, though.

Anyway, more guys should read sites targeted at women. They do spend a lot of time trying to figure us out, the poor things. Let’s reciprocate!